Why Gemini is the Master of Detached Love
Gemini is the third sign and season of the astrological year. After the Aries Ram and the Taurus Bull, Gemini brings the first appearance of humanity to the zodiac. Our symbol - The Twins - indicates how we inherently understand partnership and connection.
When my astrotwin Colin Bedell (creator of QueerCosmos.com and horoscopes columnist for Cosmopolitan and Astrology.com) approached me on my birthday at the 2016 Northwest Astrological Conference in Seattle, my world was irrevocably changed.
I have deep, sincere love for many people, but the love I instantly experienced upon reuniting with Colin was unlike any other. I was so tripped out, I wrote a damn dissertation on my former website about our Astro tWINNING convergence and the Divinity of Cosmic Relationships. I love people who inspire me to write and write and write...
So. We love each other, of course. But what does it mean?
Love is a many splendored thing, but one thing it is NOT is attachment.
It can be challenging for some other zodiac signs to comprehend the notion of detached love (I'm looking at you, water and earth signs), but if anyone can break it down for you, it's we Gemini Mirrors of Mercury.
In the context of people who are sexually oriented to one another, when you meet someone with whom you have irresistible magnetism and mutual affinity, I would say it's quite commonplace for people in our society to then want to consume the other.
By consume, I mean to immediately exclusively partner with.
By consume, I mean to own. To acquire. To capture. To have them be YOUR one and only everything. To put a ring on it. To have that be your bae.
To lock. Dem. Down.
Now, any adept advisor will tell you that relationships based on possession are outmoded.
Love is a VERB - an action, a motion, a choice. Love is not a noun, nor a thing to be owned. Just like other material things, possessions never fulfill, because they are external.
Matrimony is a patriarchal bureaucratic transacting construct, historically intended to turn women, children, and assets of the marriage into property of the man -- and in turn, the state, since they give you the license and certificate and "permission" to merge your lives.
Even with legal gay marriage, it still is subjecting the union (and its products) to the mercies and permission of government entities, since the institution of marriage is ultimately a business contract and has nothing to do with love or even commitment.
Now, although I am wary of the notion of man-made contractual love, I don't dismiss it. Intimate long term committed partnerships of course have their value and place in terms of stability.
Monogamy is also a mature choice and allows for an evolved type of deep connection to occur. It allows us to create a family unit and to have a person who has your back and build an empire and create legacy and continue a lineage.
But another thing to consider is that as the Age of Aquarius continues to gear up, we are now operating in a new sphere of consciousness, and partners truly have to be of a similar accord and not dancing a dance of illusions.
What IS Detached Love?
We can have our monogamous connections and choose to share parts of ourselves exclusively with one other person, but Gemini knows better than anyone that we can also experience detached universal love in many ways not only with a primary lover, but with multiple people, at the same time, in wholly unique ways. No other relationships have to detract from a primary or romantic one, but rather add to it because then you are able to receive different gifts from different people instead of putting all of the pressure on one person to be your Special Relationship.
Colin also wrote this on Instagram:
"I'm up in my Gemini energy, so let me explain why pop astrology crucifies us.
Most don't know how to express great love and feel like they're getting their 'needs' met, right? They have emotional muscle spasms when their attachment style isn't reciprocated or certainty isn't given.
If one sign carries the cross of hardly giving in to people's needs or false illusions of certainty, it's mine. Which is why Geminis are the whipping post. Detached Love is our modus operandi.
Buddha said "...the root of suffering is attachment." But what do we do? Attach the tenor of our day to the whim of every Tom, Dick, and Stanley and wonder why we're sad.
Why do we we confuse love with ownership? So I have to drop everything and betray my integrity because you have a void that needs to be filled? Nope.
We all have wounds. We all had childhood. Regardless of where or who you got them from, they're yours now. Yes that sucks. Mine are mine to fix. So are yours. So let's stop clinging to what gives us emotional turmoil and stop enabling self-indulgence.
But if we understand relationship as the context for those wounds to be re(cognized) via detox so we can individually do the work, then we have a solid foundation for this process. But relationships don't take the pain away. They shine painful light on where our wires are crossed!
If you give me total acceptance, I'll return that. I'll grow from your acceptance. I'll fly right next to you and always look out for you. I'll show up for you every time (not to fulfill a need) but a desire. I'll say what I mean and mean what I say. No mind-reading. Like Mercury, I'll fly you to heaven's gate and I'll hold your hand when you're in your personal hell. But I'm free to come and go for as little or as long as I feel authentic. And so are you.
(Not inspired by one person. Just many years of research)" -Colin Bedell
Amen. Ase. Aho. Hallelujah. Hosanna in the highest.
In truth, it is a tall order and unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all your needs for companionship. Besides, as a global community, we're overly connected and have too many options for everything. However, it IS beneficial to cultivate a whole tribe of family with whom you can share life, intimacy, authenticity, and support -- and intimacy is not confined to nakedness or a bedroom.
The Illusion of Separation
Colin is a lifelong native New Yorker and I'm based in Chicago. When we get together, there is a part of me that wishes we lived closer and that I could see him more often than just seasonally.
But the truth is- since he and I reunited in this lifetime, I have never felt separate from him. At all.
I've yet to feel a deficit of intimate connection with him because we cultivate that consistently and have over time, and are eternally energetically enmeshed regardless of where our physical vessels may be.
We also have shared our iPhones' locations with each other so I basically can always see where he is in the world at every moment, and he can me, which is ridiculous and stalker-ish, but also kinda funny.
"I just walked past Caroline Kennedy!" he'll text me from Manhattan. "You know I love that family."
"Oh yeah? Awesome!" I'll write back from Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. "I see you're in Washington Square Park."
"I am! Want to come to my brother's birthday party?"
"Um YES. I'll be there in 11 minutes."
Technological corniness aside, this is a perfect example of the embodiment of the Age of Aquarius and how the internet is another dimension of consciousness and connection.
Queer Cosmic Love
Queer men (as a blatant generalization) tend to be much more in touch with the feminine aspect than men who consider themselves straight (of course there are many exceptions who are true gems).
There's much to be said about the soul-deep intimacy that can occur between men and women who are not sexually oriented to one another. It removes the sexual tension and creates all the space in the world for true heart-centered connection without possession, ulterior motives, nor cuffing agendas.
And isn't that all we should actually have in life? The opportunity to express love to the highest power without the extra baggage of ownership and then expectations?
“The moment love becomes a relationship, it becomes a bondage, because there are expectations and there are demands and there are frustrations, and an effort from both sides to dominate. It becomes a struggle for power...
“...The more loving they are, the more freedom exists between them. The more loving they are, the less is the possibility of any demand, any domination, any expectation. And naturally, there is no question of any frustration.” -Osho, The Hidden Splendor, Talk #25
Because there is no agenda in Colin's and my convergence, doing things with and for him is an outpouring of my love for him instead of an emotionally laborious task. I feel this way about the majority of people with whom I choose to connect, because I am incredibly discerning about who is worthy of my pearls. And it ain't swine.
Another one of the traps of relationships is that we want what we can't have, then we take for granted that which is constantly in our presence and get annoyed with each other. This is actually basic economics!
So because I don't see Colin every day, I value in-person time with him more, and become fully present and completely saturated in the unconditional essence of love and devotion while it is physically accessible to me.
Then, I am able to let it all go because I appreciated it while it was there. I allowed the experience to penetrate me fully, and as such, letting it go and being detached is just as fulfilling.
Besides. Geminis really don't NEED anyone.
Again, There's a reason why Geminis are so lovingly referred to as the fuckboys of the zodiac. Gems are twins unto ourselves and are our own best company. As my other May 24 twin, Sunny SunRai said in our #AskTheAstroFLOTUS episode "How to Partner with a Gemini," we make ourselves laugh when no one else is home. ;)
Presence: the Garden of Love
We can admire flowers in a garden, but pulling them from the earth and cutting their stems to keep them to ourselves in a vase means the flower is instantly dead. The beauty remains for a little while, then eventually dries out.
However, by maintaining the life-force roots and repotting a flower in soil to be a self-contained, nourishing unit unto itself, is a gift to that plant and demonstrates that everything is possible.
As Gemini King Kanye West said, "y'all should be honored...that I would even show up" and "my presence is the present."
May we all recognize our beloveds as potted plants, instead of temporarily pretty but simultaneously dying bouquets of cut flowers. May we water and nourish them as self-contained individual life forms with their own roots who bring beauty and fresh oxygen to our space.
And most importantly, may we prioritize -- above all else -- our relationship to Spirit and with Self.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together, and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”
-excerpt from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran